Hearing Voices

I remember wondering if others could hear my thoughts as a child. I'd spend hours lying on my back in the grass under the old apple tree's canopy, "listening" to myself think, amazed at the voice, and pondering who was making that noise. Lest you assume this demonstrated paranoia or insanity, it was a passing phase, a time when I was learning to listen to myself rather than always be directed by others, to hear my own heart. It did startle my mother at first when I asked her if she too heard voices in her head, but her rapid series of questions soon clarified what I was asking and thus was born the concept of private thoughts and free will. Much older now, with my mother long gone and beyond ability to think, I am still fascinated by the constant chatter going on inside each of us. More critical is the understanding that, while my thoughts are private, honest, and true, driven by who and what I am and have done over my lifetime, others can still grab hold of these thoughts and diminish me, despite my efforts to prevent it.

I have had people who barely know me deliver judgements about my goodness, my intentions, my heart, and my life. People who bring their own repetitious phrases, failures, and voices into relationships with me and others then whisper about who or what I am, and the sad thing is--I so want to please, I listen to them. I absorb the criticisms and opinions and waste precious hours of my life concerned that I am exactly what they decide I am...all the while I am hearing a different voice inside. My inner voice is surprisingly youthful, and I believe it is the essence of who I am, untainted by negativity and steeped in the inherent goodness in which we are draped when we arrive in this world. Why can't we stay that way?

I haven't mastered my thoughts. Sad to say I am still swayed too easily, wasting too much time trying to please and convince others my motives are sincere and good. I know that is a lot of power to give away, but because of what I too bring to life's table, I just haven't been able to get all of your voices out of my head.

Is it possible to live as Shakespeare suggested: "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." (from Hamlet) Polonius is sending off his son Laertes with this piece of wisdom and actually, it isn't as altruistic as it seems. It pretty much meant make yourself number one and then worry about others. Hmm. Best I find a different piece of literature to support my hope that I can one day only trust that small voice inside.

So, back off, get out of my head, and if you can't accept the honesty I offer, then let me alone with my thoughts. The time will come when you will no longer be able to affect me, and I will have my thoughts to keep me company. That's a good thing - wish you could have known that little girl so long ago. She was a pretty neat little kid.