The Best Laid Plans and All That

I think I know what each day, each minute, will bring but I really don't. I drift off to sleep with an outline of my morning "to do" list and three blinks after I am awake, the contents are shifted, shuffled, or dropped. Certain days I am excited by the prospect of not knowing as I embrace what comes, but many days - oh, really, most days - I want to know what is ahead so I am prepared. Honestly, I don't "do" surprise very well.

Does this make me inflexible? Perhaps. I'd like to think it means instead that I face life with a higher degree of preparedness and am able to offer that organizational plan to others. I don't know. Maybe I am just kidding myself and the world and I would benefit from more spontaneity. In defense of my approach, I do come from a long line of people whose houses were messy but whose lists were always organized with neatly placed check marks next to completed activities. What could be wrong with that?

I believe as long as I can at least marginally accept that changes will occur and not become impatient or frustrated, I still allow for impulsiveness and abandon. Of course, when tied to a preordained plan, opportunities might be missed and go unexplored.

My reflection comes from the knowledge that, once again, I face the uncertainty of job and overall security. I am okay for the moment, but things could change and that doesn't feel comfortable at all. It is hard to listen to people who talk about their multi-million dollar homes or retirement accounts or extraordinary vacations when several totally unplanned life events have stripped me of bragging rights concerning my present and future. I never came from much and truly, I don't need much at all. But knowing the simplest of pleasures could be out of my reach is unsettling--like choosing asparagus instead of  peas for dinner or coveting the ownership of a special book but returning it to the shelf unpurchased.

"Just be," I am told. "None of us really own anything no matter what our income or standing," the same wise person reminds me. And I want to believe it, relax in its simplicity, but the worry creeps in and I wonder what tomorrow will bring, what disruption will happen to those best laid plans. And, ultimately, how I will cope.