History Repeats and I Understand

My daughter's twins, Andrew and Dawn, turned 14 on Thursday. That proverbial "blink of an eye"

happened and they are now well into those teen years. Her youngest, Natalie, turns 13 in October so the triple threat then will be complete. We are anxious for the girls to return from their time with their father in New Jersey this week so their summer here and family celebration can happen.

I am blessed to be able to spend time with them. I wish it were the same with all my grandchildren but alas, Michael and Matthew and families are planted in other places. Their roots are deep in northern lower Michigan and Colorado so I love them and their families from afar. The pictures and postings help, but will never be the same as truly being part of their daily life.

I understand the importance of family proximity now, but didn't give it much thought in my youth, those early years when my own babies were young and we lived more than a 1000 miles from maternal and paternal grandparents. Somehow it was our right to choose where to live and whether any money or time was available for travel. After all, our parents had their own lives to live too and I rationalized that they wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for me to drop in if I did live closer.

Summer 1981, Traverse City, MI

When we did visit Pennsylvania and the time to leave for Michigan arrived, I watched the parents staunch their tears and wave and throw kisses until we rounded the turn in the road. I would be crying too but once again, felt justified knowing our little family was going home. Did I ever wonder what happened after we parted? Probably not, selfishly caught up in my life as I was. But I know only too well today as my own children and grandchildren drive out of sight that the tears fall more furiously and the sadness sets in. I know I did the best I could and their leaving and living on their own is a plus, but even that knowledge doesn't soften the ache inside as I realize it will be a long time before I see them - hug them - again.

My pride in my family is profound, and I accept that it is wrapped in a messy package of feelings, sadness, joy, loss, aging and growth. I just wish I could see my mother one more time, tell her I finally understand. I do, Mom, and I'm sorry I didn't know back then. I would have made sure you knew just how much I am like you and craved your approval, even from afar. I would have said I love you more often and meant it.